stronger

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

*take a really deep breath*
how i'm gonna start this? where i supposed to start?
lets begin here.

9 feb 2013. 
farhan got another sayang for himself.
how do i feel? hurt. so i called him, asked him. 
he said they were just friends. classmates. oh really? friends dont call each other 'sayang, honey, my dear, my love, babyy, sweetie, abang' and much more, euww i'm gonna puke.
friends dont wish each other goodmorning and goodnight wishes everyday like this 'goodmorning sygg lots of love from farhan, goodnight my love, morning princess, my hero goodmorning' blablabla seriously shit i gonna puke.
the best part was when he text me "alia, i dgn u xde pape selain kwn je"
my heart broke into pieces, i'm bleeding inside. Ya Allah. 
from that moment, i closed my heart, my castle, my world, i put a high concrete solid barriers around it.
i cried a lot, i cried during studies, i cried in my prayers, i cried when i see myself in the mirror, i cried when i saw both of them taking pictures happily, i cried because he lied to me.
that night, i skype with him, he cried too. i think i fell for it. he said he was sorry, he's a bad person, lalalala i malas na taip panjang panjang. basically i thought dia da berubah and i am extremely wrong. pity me heh?

10 feb 2013.
i stalked his twitter awal subuh, and tradadada! there it was, the magical words and sentences that make my soul disappeared in a blink of and eye. just  a few hours before kitorang berskyping tu, dia dok bersayang sayang, smoochie poo bagai. bluekk geli seyh bila terbayang ayat ayat tu. arghh!

the second best part was, semua ayat dan perkataan yg aku pernah ckp kt dia, tulis kt dia, semua dia pakai kt perempuan tu. that bitch. i called him 'my hero, my lion' i wrote to him 'i laffchu' and so many more. 

even ayat yg dia selalu guna kt aku pun dia guna kt perempuan tu jugak. aisehh. teruk gila kan?

farhan ckp yg dia start bersayang sayang dgn perempuan tu last week (6feb2013) but its not. he lied to me twice. actually da start time january lg. lama kan? from my calculations, that is two weeks after he brings me to gambang and kuantan. how could you farhan? so bad. 

i cried again in my prayers, in my shower, in bed. most of the time.

lastly, i think i will let him go. kau pergilah dekat perempuan tu sbb kau tamak. kau nak aku, kau nak dia. 

frankly speaking, aku ta suka sharing, so just go away farhan. just go. sooner or later i will be fine. just fine.

satu je benda aku minta kau pulangkan farhan, give back my lion, please.

11 feb 2013

one whole day i didnt text him, call him, but aku takkan tipu perasaan aku sendiri. aku still syg dia. serapat mana pun aku tutup pintu hati aku, mesti ada sekelumit perasaan syg utk dia. ego aku tinggi, kalah menara KLCC. aku mcm ckp dgn dua org lain dlm kepala hotak aku ni. aku ckp dgn ego aku, aku ckp dgn hati aku. i also talked to lala and jue. they gave me advice, they encouraged me to be strong. i even talked to shawal. he actually knows yg farhan tgh bersayang sayang dgn perempuan tu. he said sorry cause not letting me know about it. he scared that i would get hurt cause he said he knows i really love farhan. he also surprised yg farhan sanggup buat mcm tu. as far as he knows him, farhan is not the type of guy. aku pun ta terfikir langsung yg farhan tu mcm tu, jue and lala pun sama. looks can be deceiving my dear friends. i told him either me or her. and dia jwb 'i dont know'. so i assume he chose her. aku ta pernah kongsi rasa syg aku kt farhan dgn org lain tp dia kongsi rasa syg dia dgn perempuan tu. aku tak suka berkongsi. aku takkan bergaduh sbb lelaki. aku takkan terhegeh dekat farhan. aku bukan org yg desperate na kasih syg kau lah.

bit by bit, i let myself to let him go, i'm not gonna lie, letting him go its not as simple as abc and 123. it is much more than that. i developed hatred feelings towards him. i restrain myself from thinking of him, not answering his calls, not reply his text. i erased our memories slowly by thinking how bad person he is, thinking the sweetwords he gave to her, assuming he loves her which i believe it is. i cried again in my prayers. i fake a smile, i acted strong, i laugh out loud, i busying myself with other stuffs, i entertained myself. but somehow, my heart still ache.

i move on. 

12 feb 2013

today, i just dont care. pukul 1 pagi aku bergayut dgn farhan 2 hours. i forgive him. we had a long chitchat. aku happy gila sebenarnya dia call aku. he said he chose me over her. aku nak percaya tp waswas. haish.

aku berdoa kepada Allah dan aku harap keputusan yg aku buat ni betul. 

ya, aku sanggup ambil risiko, so i give him a second chance. 

do forgive me lala and jue, i followed my heart. do support me always, thank you sayangs.

aku berharap sgt it was the right decision Ya Allah.

farhan, second chance doesn't come twice my dear. take a note.

lala and jue, it will be my pleasure for both of you to beat his ass out until his second last breath if he break my heart again. remember, no mercy.

peminjaman lion akan di-extend until 19 april 2013. *this date can be change due to what will happen next starting now* if i detect one tiny little mistake. you are gone for good farhan. mark my words. i do what i say.

perempuan tu yg suka gila babi kt farhan, dia yg letak default dia and farhan, dia yg letak nama farhan dekat profile twitter. pape pun, aku rasa na campak je perempuan tu masuk kt gunung berapi.

this is your last chance farhan, there is no room for try an error anymore. i warned you. dont say i didnt warn you cause i just did.

okay semua, marilah kita menadah tangan ke hadrat Ilahi. dimulakan dengan Ummul Kitab Al-Fatihah.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  ~Amin~

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Ya Allah, jika Engkau telah tetapkan Muhammad Hasrul Farhan bin Zaili adalah baik untuk diriku, agamaku, kehidupanku dunia akhirat, Engkau dekatkanlah aku kepadanya dan Engkau dekatkanlah dia kepadaku, jika Engkau telah tetapkan dia adalah buruk bagi diriku, agamaku dan kehidupanku dunia akhirat maka Engkau jauhkanlah aku darinya dan Engkau jauhkanlah dia dariku serta Engkau jadikanlah kami orang yang redha dan tabah dengan ketentuanMu Ya Allah. Amin Ya Robb.

*lepas nafas dengan penuh rasa lega*

senyuman itu sedekah yang paling murah :)