After awhile

To be exact, after five years. Aku buka balik blog yang dah bersawang ni. 

In fact, sebelum sebelum ni pun dia ada tanya kat aku--

"tak update dah ke?" 

"bila nak update?" 

Tapi tulah, after 2018 aku malas dah. Sebab aku tahu apa yang aku tulis sebelum ni cringe. Ni aku baca balik apa yang aku tulis, aku rasa nak pakai paperbag kat kepala. Ya Allah! The cringy-ness is real!

Suddenly, the urge untuk tulis datang balik. Somehow I feel like I need to write in order to be... I don't know. I didn't find the exact word that can describe how I wanna feel after I write. 

So yeah, update. I am happily married to the love of my life. After seven years. We tied the knot. And yes; with the same guy. More than blessed to be his wife. And yes; I graduated on time. All the hard work, smart work, blood, sweat, and tears. Everything paid off. 

Alhamdulilah.

Okay toodles! See ya next time I hope.

awak

ehem ehem. hai awak.
yang tengah khusyuk tengok bola tu.
dah habis ke belum game nya?


sekarang. janggal pulak guna awak.
selalu. you. macam omputeh sikit kan.


awak.
saya. nak bagitahu ni.
hati saya dah ada dengan awak.
jaga elok elok.
hati awak ada je dengan saya.
masih elok jugak.

macam cheesy je ayat kat atas tadi.
ye dok?

awak.
bila dah baca ni. jangan le sengih sorang sorang.

yang tulus. saya.

Fiksyen

Ali berjalan seorang diri melewati taman permainan itu. Dia hanya berseluar jeans straight cut biru, t-shirt lengan panjang hitam dengan tulisan empat huruf dibahangian dada, rambutnya melepasi bahu dibiarkan lepas disinari matahari senja.

"Mana dia ni? Kata suruh tunggu sini." Ali melihat jam tangan. Dia tak lambat pun. Tepat pada waktunya. Dia masih tercongok sambil matanya ligat melilau memerhati sekeliling. Tiada bayang orang yang ditunggu.

Setengah jam berlalu. Matahari sudah melabuhkan tirai. Taman permainan beransur gelap dan senyap, hanya bunyi cengkerik menghiasi suasana. Ali beredar dengan hati yang bercampur baur. Kecewa, marah, sedih.

Ting!

Whatsapp notification masuk.

'Nak pergi mana? Kan suruh tunggu kat situ.'

Ali terus menoleh ke kiri dan kanan. Kosong. Tiada siapa si situ. Bahu Ali dicuit dari belakang.

Zass! Meremang terus bulu romanya. Perlahan-lahan dia pusingkan badannya, satu susuk tubuh sedang berdiri di belakang. Disebabkan cahaya lampu dari arah belakang, si pemilik tubuh itu tidak dapat dikenalpasti oleh Ali.

"Hey. I'm here. Muka macam nampak hantu kenapa?" Dia menegur.

Ali diam. Masih tergamam.

"Kk.. ka.. kau datang." Ali tersenyum. Orang yang ditunggu telah tiba. Hampir sahaja dia menitiskan air mata kegembiraan. Tapi kena cool. Control sikit.

"

Hilang

Aku rasa nak hilangkan diri.
Sepertimana--
air yang hilang disejat haba;
debu yang hilang ditiup angin;
memori yang hilang dimamah usia.

Macam mana dengan manusia?
Manusia hilang bermacam cara.
Kau nak yang mana?
-Aku sendiri pun tak tahu.

Buat masa sekarang.
Aku minta Dia hilangkan rasa sakit dalam diri.
sakit kepala, sakit hati, sakit badan.


Hilangkan aku dari rasa tah pape macam sekarang ni.
Sial lah.

no matter what will happen, i will always love you

me. i am going to be a dentist. my lecturer once told me "doktor gigi ni, orang akan datang kat kita bila sakit gigi je. tapi punca sakit gigi tu bukan daripada gigi. and pesakit ni expect kita boleh solve semua. and kita nak solve kan macam mana? ofcoz lah dengan cari punca sakit tu and get rid of it."

me. as a typical human being yang ada perasaan. dan sekarang tengah sakit. sakit hati. macam mana nak solve? same. find the cause of pain and get rid of it.

now you tell me. how the hell i'm going to get rid of the pain when the one causes it is the one who i loved the most? kau bagitahu aku sekarang?

i can't. that's the problem. i can't get rid of you. but i can try to avoid you. yet the outcome is not promising at all.

kau takpayah risau. aku akan ingat sampai mati. itu pasti. 

i never felt this useless and hopeless in my entire life. saddest moment of all. if you said you know me well. then you were wrong. 

outside. it's gonna rain. dah ada guruh kilat. awan dah hilang. langit gelap. hanya tunggu hujan turun mencurah jatuh ke pipi bumi. sama macam air mata yang akan jatuh di pipi aku. sejak bila aku lembik macam ni? 

i cried all night all day and kau cakap aku penting kan study daripada kau. apa kau buta? didn't you see or notice selama ni aku buat apa?

i can't afford to lose any more of my mentality. i tolerate more than i should to. i crushed down my ego just for you. tapi apa aku dapat? dapat gaduh sebab benda bodoh.

why? why? why this tears won't stop coming out from my orbital foramen? kau ada tips tak macam mana nak berhenti menangis. penat tahu? harini dah rabu petang. esok dah khamis. apa aku buat ni? exam minggu depan weh. bangun weh bangun. sedar diri sikit weh.

Ya Allah, kembalikan rasional aku balik. aku mohon.

dan kau. aku masih sayangkan kau. aku tak bersedia untuk disakiti lagi. kerana ini paling sakit pernah kau beri.

air mata aku masih tak mahu berhenti mengalir. ada nampak hulu atau hilir sungai ke mana mana kat muka aku ni? heran.

sembilan lapan tujuh

semalam 987 hati kita kenal sayang.
semalam jugak kita jumpa.
you excited. i excited.
end up gaduh jugak.
i know it was me right?
last last you'd said it--
yang you dah malas dah nak tengok i.

if i can trade my life for your pain since the first moment you've met me until yesterday.
-i know i'll the dead at the very beginning.

today. i woke up. my heart ache.
not because of you've done to me-
-but vice versa.
there were no freeze in time moment of us yesterday.
sedih.

sayang,
happy 988 days of knowing each other.
the more you know me, the more you feel the pain.
the less you speak up, the less the communication.
i dont want that to happen... it kills me inside slowly.

loving you is the best feeling ever happened to me.
--and i want it to stay as long as it supposed to be.

your one and only, shinkansen.

pasal Af X

Af, i'm sorry. 

i dont know why harini like emo nak mati. padahal the day before i was like so damn excited to meet him. then today we ended up fighting. for silly reasons. fak ah. 

today meet up with Af was delightful. but it was not the best date ever i would say. still it was his effort who are willing to come and see me. despite the hot and sweat he had gone through. dia tolong tanya kan pasal my book and still we end up like we were fighting. but no. aku tak gaduh pun dengan dia. 

when he called, i answered it. last last aku yang macam nak marah dia? why doh? shit lah. Af selalu cakap yang dia okay. he's fine. its okay. everything seems to be alright. but is it true? is it true Af? are you suffering when you're with me? am i that difficult to you?

aku pernah tanya dia "susah tak jaga aku?"

dia jawab "tak susah. mencabar."

as for today? i was a disaster. 

i'm sorry Af. for all my fault. for everything. i'm truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. if there's an 'if'. then life would not be as surprise as it should be. so i wont say the 'if' sentence. because i believe everything happens for a reason or it my be reason(s).

Af. you're still and always be my booster, my positive vibes, my sunshine, my sweetheart, my friend, my bestfriend, my love, my foe, my knight, and my husband. 

xoxo, shinkansen.

homesick

apa perasaan kau bila semua orang ada kat rumah, tapi kau kena balik universiti? apa kau rasa?

rasa tak nak balik kan? rasa macam ape kejadah la jadual pergi buat class dua hari je, lepas tu jumaat cuti balik. baik cuti je seminggu. kan?

berat hati aku nak balik u. serious talk aku tak tipu. so far ni lah homesick paling homesick pernah aku alami. sekarang. 

semua u lain cuti seminggu. kos aku je yang tak cuti. even kos jiran pun cuti. laki aku lagi lah cuti. meriah lagi sambut aidil adha. aku? boleh lah. Alhamdulillah. satu hari sebelum raya dari pagi kemas vaccum mop rumah. lepas tu masak masak masak masak. esok nya dah raya sampai terbabas bangun pukul sepuluh. kelam kabut.

esoknya lagi dah packing nak balik u. huwaaaaa #sistakuad 

adik aku pulak kerja time raya. so balik rumah this time cakap dengan dia sepatah dua je. last cakap dengan dia semalam. aku dah tertido dah. dia baru balik kerja. ajak teman makan. tapi aku tak larat nak turun katil tiga tingkat. maaf dik.

tadi pukul sebelas lebih dia ws aku. cakap dia balik kerja cari aku. panggil panggil aku. rupanya aku dah balik u. sedih kau tahu? dia tanya aku balik ke tak hari malaysia. siap bagi aku dia punya jadual. aku tanya lah kenapa? katanya dia nak ejas breakfast sama sama. terharu. huwaaaaaaa #sistakuadlagi

aku cakap aku tak janji balik ke tidak hari malaysia. iyelah sebab ada event nak kena settle. dia cakap dia faham. aku pun tukar topic borak borak pasal nak beli kasut baru dekat uptown damansara. yang tu kena ejas dengan laki aku pulak.

now i'm in dilemma nak balik ke tak jumaat ni. 

p/s: aku ingat adik adik aku tak gesah aku ada kat rumah ke tak. haha yelah dapat kakak garang macam ni. rupanya ada lah sorang yang gesah. terharu. lagi.

berhabuk

maaf. sebab blog ni dah bersawang teruksss. hahahaha.

Af selalu bising kat aku cakap setiap pagi dia bersin lagi dan lagi dan lagi. berhabuk katanya.

believe it or not, almost two months aku tak jumpa Af. lama weh. *nangis nangis*

and tu je nak update. takde ilham lagi. sejak masuk degree ni. dah jarang gila nak update. sorry bro.

xoxo, Al.

Uqasha

Penangan Uqasha kepada aku dan Af. Buku tu menggangu emosi aku serba banyak. Dan juga emosi Af lagi banyak dari aku. Uqasha buat aku rasa yang hero dia like 92% sama macam Af. So polite and gentleman. Very understanding. Uqasha is full of love. Pure love. First love.

*amek mood sweet romantic jap*

To Af, dearest my blackforest. *omg! it rhymes!*

Husband, thank you so much for today and the day before before before before, especially the past two days. You were there for me. Even not physically, but virtually yes! Comfort me this evening. You were there to pick me up when i broke into pieces, you were there when i cant stood up for myself, you were there sayang. Thank you so much!

Sayang, i tak pernah bosan dengan you. Kenal dengan you, i belajar new things, we are in love until now, we are on the phone every night, but every night will be different topic to talk about. We talked about ideas and plans, about event or even make a book review. That was so awesome love! I've never had so much to talk about without being bored. You are one awesome handsome guy. Thank God i got you. And thank God you got my heart.

Sayang, the decision i made by letting you in was not a mistake. I gambled my life to open up my heart for you. What did you to me at that time? I dont know what's got into me but i just did. Hey my blackforest, terima kasih sebab sabar dengan saya selama hampir dua tahun ni.

Jom toleh belakang sekejap. Biar kita tak lupa kita asal mana. Biar kita tak lupa titik permulaan kita. Sayang, do you feel how i feel? I think we do love. It's worth waiting sayang, it's worth sacrificing, semuanya berbaloikan dengan apa yang kita ada dan rasa sekarang? Bersyukur Ya Allah. 

Af, I'll always pray for us, for me and you, your name never missed in every single of my prayer. Never sayang. You dah jadi orang penting dalam hidup i other than my family. Stay sayang.

"Saya cintakan awak sepenuh hati saya. Awak nyawa saya. Jangan pernah tinggalkan saya. Awak pergi. Saya mati." 

"My heart only seek you and only you in this universe as my love for you is beyond infinity"

Pure love, Shinkansen *kisskisskisskiss*